Trauma Complex

For about 2 years now, I have been struggling with anxiety, insomnia, trauma, depression, discovered I have adenomyosis, my body changed, paid a LOT of money for therapy, pills, osteopathy, gynecology and a lot of difficulty getting courage to get back on the market again…

I first drew this concept in July of 2023, couldn’t finish it… just like all the other illustrations and projects I have. It takes a lot of me to just finish them. My therapist says that I might be avoiding getting to the end of any work of mine because, while it’s not finished, there is no judgement, no pressure. I suffered from this almost all my life and had no idea why… But many things have been making more sense now.

If only I knew how much it would cost me to please the wrong people for years, I would have unleashed this beast of mine way sooner than later. If I knew it would cost my health, mental and physical, I would never let myself get manipulated again. But people learn, with time, that our roots can help us move on. Either dealing headfirst with the past traumas or holding on to what was good.

The smaller and cuter version of this creature was my one and only stuffed animal I took EVERYWHERE. It was my rock. And people around me gave it a name, a terrible name, because, since I would play with it anywhere, it would get dirty a lot and soon became old looking and worn out, even growing “bold”, losing “hair” or wool. The name is Seboso which the most accurate translation from Portuguese to English I guess would be “Greasy”. So, the name speaks for itself xD

I loved this stuffed animal like a best friend, and I still have it. Forgot about him for a long time. Now I am starting to take him everywhere again! It was a bit embarrassing, but I took him to the mall with me the other day, and just having it beside me made feel safer, made me feel like it was ok to be myself. No matter how ugly he was to other people I just loved him and wouldn’t leave his side and he wouldn’t leave mine. In my head I accepted him as it is and he accepted me as I am. This means a lot to me.

So this artwork represents a lot, but essentially me facing my demons with the best of me – intensity and purpose - and the help of a friend. My superpower are black holes, because everything in my life currently either feels too overwhelming or nothing at all. It doesn’t seem like a very good superpower, but for years I had no space to truly share my deepest emotions, so now it’s a learning curve, and along the day, some people go but the best people stay, and that is so important to learn early in life.

I love the quote from Dune that says “Fear is the mind killer” because I couldn’t agree more, but my therapist told me to say this instead:
“The fear ends where the life begins.”